Illuminator or Diminisher?
A lot of my time as a professional home organizer is spent putting things into boxes then slapping a label on them. Categorizing and containing works well in homes but unfortunately, one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made and sometimes continue to make, is putting people into boxes. I assume that I know someone. A friend or acquaintance or even a stranger makes an offhand comment and into the box they go!
This tendency to categorize isn’t necessarily all wrong. Even infants begin to categorize people based on visual cues like facial features, which helps them understand social relationships and make sense of their environment. And just as I help people simplify their overstuffed homes, our brains do the same categorizing of people because we need to simplify and navigate a very complex social world.
However…we don’t know what we don’t know.
Koreans call it nunchi, the ability to be sensitive to other people's moods and thoughts. The Germans have a word for it: herenzbildung, training one's heart to see the full humanity in another.
In any conversation, there are “illuminators” and “diminishers.” We can either bring out the best in others or unintentionally minimise their worth.
But what if you’re chatting with someone and they say something that you don’t agree with or understand? Here’s a few questions that you can ask to create a safe space for hospitable dialogue.
“That’s interesting. Tell me more.”
“How did you come to believe this?”
“I’m curious. Tell me about the person who shaped your values the most. “
Years ago, I attended a leadership conference where one of the authors, Joseph Grenny, was speaking about his book, “Crucial Conversations”. Grenny observed that in any conversation, respect is like air. When it's present, nobody notices, but when it's absent, it's all anybody can think about.
Hospitality isn’t just about dinner parties around perfectly set tables. It begins inside of us.
Shining our light.
Being an illuminator.
By the way…
A "crucial conversation" is defined by three key points: high stakes, differing opinions, and strong emotions; meaning it's a conversation where the topic is important, people have different perspectives, and feelings run high. All of us at some point in our lives will engage in a crucial conversation. This book is a must read! But if you don’t have time, check out this short animated summary of the book. Enjoy!